The calling in the dark

How do you ignore it? The shadow out in the distance that whispers the question....is this it? Is this where and what I've waited and weighed all my life...
Do I dig in? Or is it still that I want to be free? I take time, its slow and steady to make up my mind, but at some point I need to be firm in my decision and let it be one way or the other.

I watch the young guy across from me fumble with what looks to be a very serious receipt package from Kay jewelers. He is nervous reading and re-reading the fine print. The girl next to him does not recognize his discomfort. She reads a magazine and may not even have any connection to the guy aside from the fact that they sit next to each other. For his sake I hope that's the case.

There are so many opportunities to say "you know what this is not for me", from the second date to moments before "I do"... All the contemplation and worry has got to be better than going it all alone.
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Dig in deep

My affect today is so flat I feel like I could just lay down and let the time go by.
The anxiety at moments is too much the bear and as a result I think my body reaches a point where it can no longer handle the pressure of such a balancing act.
Uncertainty and mixed messages push me back to a place where I lose myself in what his next word might be. I feel at times that he forces himself to be here. Perhaps he is finally getting in touch with himself now that he recognizes his depression prevents him from being present in his life.

There's no doubt. I see it and I can feel it when the confusion and doubt over comes him. I don't know what to do. At this point there is nothing I can do except love him and support him.. Maybe he will see that just bc that exists that u don't throw all that is stable and positive away.

Why such sadness my friend? Why are your eyes glazed and flat? How can I help you out of the hole you are in? If only I could reach out to you without wanting you in my life permanently in return. My mirror is foggy from the steam of the shower, you walk in behind me and grab my waist. I speak to both of us as the mirror clears....
Welcome to the corner of my heart
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There's nothing

I wouldn't do. One word and the rest is up to you. One word and the whole world stops for you. Its all come to mean nothing. I hold my breath and yet its everything but it means nothing.

Keep tlkg that mess that's fine. I have to do what's necessary. Since I'm not his everything, I have to do. What's necessary to make him think he's not mine..
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Rest Easy

I should be comforted bc we are open and honest with each other... Heeee And somehow It doesn't matter that we are weathered and shrouded by the past....? That we talk about it as though it has a place at the table for supper.

I'm wondering if I come across as confused as this all seems in my head?

Clearly I have no business believing such ridiculous declarations in one's plight for atonement.

In matters that involve the heart its best to remain at a distance when you are dealing with a champion. A shadow box might be in order but who wants to mirror such unhealthy behavior? What is my approach? Do I remain at ease, knowing I'd rather know I'm holding a double edge sword then pretend the sword is singled edged? Clearly without question.... I have to manage myself and my responses. Be fair but respectful, to myself first and foremost and others next.

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Dust falling

Just when I think I can trust myself that little side of me starts to act up. The one that stirs up unrest.

Things that make me sad: misty rain, mazzy star songs, jelly muscles after a good workout. The fact that my dreams sometimes happen. Knowing that some people are more confused than I am but don't know it.

Things that I can't control, who I am when you break my trust. Not sure I can go back to that place... its not piece of me that they don't know, its the better part of me and its my fault for being so flexible. Is it all an act on my part? Am I blowing it again?
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Rides away

The humming of the train engine heats the seat I'm sitting in, its lulling me to sleep. If I doze off and see heaven surely I won't miss all this that much if I never wake up. Crowds of people stuffed into the train car like bulls off the slaughter each with their own agenda, leather attache case and gym bag in hand, their headphones drown out the surrounding noises just enough to make the voices unintelligible... Whispers in the wind.



My ipod is on shuffle today. I like the idea of not knowing what will come up next. If I relate that to my life I suppose I'm subject to surprises across the board. I think I'm organized but really only in my head. Somehow I've managed to pull out some diamonds that actually make sense. Amazing that I graduated so skilled right?



I love checking out people. This ride has an array of bankers, tourists and myself, your typical two bags corp worker. This guy standing above me works for moody's, I know this bc he took their newspaper home with him and its peeking out of his brief bag which is nearly punching me in the face. He has two bags brief and gym. He wears a glove on the hand that holds onto the subway bar. Yes I'm surrounded by all kinds of germ and he is being proactive. I guess w/ the glove.

Suddenly my head is throbbing as the train pulls into the station. Almost home now.

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