Heights

There really isn't anything that I am intested in writing today. I feel sort of numb to everything lately, and I got back over the prior posts that I have written and I am not sure that I even wrote them... I actually forgot....

breathing in garbage like a breath of fresh air

never have I been so disgusted first with myself for sitting through a poor display of anxiety and then well with the rest of the cunning nonsense that I have witnessed first hand by a living breathing human being. It's amazing to me that people can be so absolutely dysfunctional that it overtakes their entire being to the point that they are consumed and lead to make decisions and choices based on warped ideals. The sad part here being that they have no idea that any of this is taking place.

I should shoot myself for saying it's the parents fault, seriously at such a distinct level of insatiable stupidity there has to be some responsibility of the parent to instill in their offspring the differences between taking and needing, right and wrong. Unless of course and this may very well be the plight and answer to the issue; the parent is equally as dysfunctional and enveloped in a shroud of odd and self serving behavior as well, clearly it makes sense that they pawn this off as a parting gift.

The learned behavior that occurs from being left to fend for one's self emtionally and physically is what one may come to consider survival tactics. There must be a point when the tactic of survival becomes that of creator. you can exist shuttled from place to place and survive, get by by adapting and making the best of the situation. At some point, you become the creator, the grandmaster behind the secret world of doubts, uncertainty and fear. It is here that the survivor orchestrates their grandest display of all. where everything is based on lies and empty attempts to make them feel like they are no longer just surviving but flourishing. it is here underneath the many disguises that things get muddy.

slaughterhouse in memorium of Kurt

you learn who your friends are. I wonder what I would be like if I had a friend who was a laid up for as long as I have been ...

It's interesting even the parents dont' know what to make of my mental state. There are times in the day, moments when I consider the options at hand. I am a fighter, someone who usually comes out on top. Yet, lately I dont have the energy to deal with anything.

I watch as my roommate walks around the apt as though I didnt' exist. She makes her plans and doesn't include me as she knows I'm not capable of joining her.

I wonder if Mike will miss me when I'm gone? do you think he thinks about anyone other than himself during the waking hours of the day? Sure he does, but only how they impact him, how he gains or loses if they are not in his life. He doesn't get it. IT being living.

I almost feel sorry for him for that flaw.

sands in the hourglass

how is it that I am so frustrated? I wish I could keep that resesve. It's a skill you know, I have to work at it tonight. I will try to not go to that place of no return, where I push it to the limit and then pull back. If only I could have patience... whereby I didn't feel the need to push the issue at the very moment.. things take time and I get so anxious and overthink things that I have to deal with it then. Its a bad quality and it's not going to make things any better.

Pillars & Shadows

I'm feeling overwhelmed as piles appear around me and yet I have no drive to do anything with them. I watch the pigeons outside the window and wonder what it feels like to have the wind boost you up like that far above the ground. The sky is mainly overcast today and small hints of blue peek out behind the whisping ends of the clouds. Off in the distance the gray cover envelops the whole sky and it flows into infinity.

When you have nothing to keep you busy you start to worry and focus on things that really don't matter in your life. You overanalyze everything and critize yourself for not being better or doing more or standing up for this or not moving on that...

stepping blocks

He has no idea the contempt I have towards him for the major contribution he has made to my set back. He takes no responsibiltiy for it at all. The guilt is all over the flowers and food he brought. I tasted it when he made me lunch. The aching in my knee and the pain that takes my breath away is my punishment for keeping him in my life. and to make the matter heavier.. He has never once apologized for his contribution to this. I nearly threw up in his lap when he said he was so honored that I stood up for him in front of another. H e is really that overcome with himself that is all he can say. He isn't sorry, just honored. I think his picture is listed under one of the disorders here: dsm an