The Sun Also Shines By The Way.....

I'm on my way back to the reality of existence. The confines of my room are starting to break down and I can actually smell the city air.

I can see the flowers outside in the garden blooming and I think about the next phase in my life as this one closes. I'm excited to move on. There is a lot that I have noticed and more of things to come as a lot as changed.

Heights

There really isn't anything that I am intested in writing today. I feel sort of numb to everything lately, and I got back over the prior posts that I have written and I am not sure that I even wrote them... I actually forgot....

breathing in garbage like a breath of fresh air

never have I been so disgusted first with myself for sitting through a poor display of anxiety and then well with the rest of the cunning nonsense that I have witnessed first hand by a living breathing human being. It's amazing to me that people can be so absolutely dysfunctional that it overtakes their entire being to the point that they are consumed and lead to make decisions and choices based on warped ideals. The sad part here being that they have no idea that any of this is taking place.

I should shoot myself for saying it's the parents fault, seriously at such a distinct level of insatiable stupidity there has to be some responsibility of the parent to instill in their offspring the differences between taking and needing, right and wrong. Unless of course and this may very well be the plight and answer to the issue; the parent is equally as dysfunctional and enveloped in a shroud of odd and self serving behavior as well, clearly it makes sense that they pawn this off as a parting gift.

The learned behavior that occurs from being left to fend for one's self emtionally and physically is what one may come to consider survival tactics. There must be a point when the tactic of survival becomes that of creator. you can exist shuttled from place to place and survive, get by by adapting and making the best of the situation. At some point, you become the creator, the grandmaster behind the secret world of doubts, uncertainty and fear. It is here that the survivor orchestrates their grandest display of all. where everything is based on lies and empty attempts to make them feel like they are no longer just surviving but flourishing. it is here underneath the many disguises that things get muddy.

slaughterhouse in memorium of Kurt

you learn who your friends are. I wonder what I would be like if I had a friend who was a laid up for as long as I have been ...

It's interesting even the parents dont' know what to make of my mental state. There are times in the day, moments when I consider the options at hand. I am a fighter, someone who usually comes out on top. Yet, lately I dont have the energy to deal with anything.

I watch as my roommate walks around the apt as though I didnt' exist. She makes her plans and doesn't include me as she knows I'm not capable of joining her.

I wonder if Mike will miss me when I'm gone? do you think he thinks about anyone other than himself during the waking hours of the day? Sure he does, but only how they impact him, how he gains or loses if they are not in his life. He doesn't get it. IT being living.

I almost feel sorry for him for that flaw.

sands in the hourglass

how is it that I am so frustrated? I wish I could keep that resesve. It's a skill you know, I have to work at it tonight. I will try to not go to that place of no return, where I push it to the limit and then pull back. If only I could have patience... whereby I didn't feel the need to push the issue at the very moment.. things take time and I get so anxious and overthink things that I have to deal with it then. Its a bad quality and it's not going to make things any better.

Pillars & Shadows

I'm feeling overwhelmed as piles appear around me and yet I have no drive to do anything with them. I watch the pigeons outside the window and wonder what it feels like to have the wind boost you up like that far above the ground. The sky is mainly overcast today and small hints of blue peek out behind the whisping ends of the clouds. Off in the distance the gray cover envelops the whole sky and it flows into infinity.

When you have nothing to keep you busy you start to worry and focus on things that really don't matter in your life. You overanalyze everything and critize yourself for not being better or doing more or standing up for this or not moving on that...

stepping blocks

He has no idea the contempt I have towards him for the major contribution he has made to my set back. He takes no responsibiltiy for it at all. The guilt is all over the flowers and food he brought. I tasted it when he made me lunch. The aching in my knee and the pain that takes my breath away is my punishment for keeping him in my life. and to make the matter heavier.. He has never once apologized for his contribution to this. I nearly threw up in his lap when he said he was so honored that I stood up for him in front of another. H e is really that overcome with himself that is all he can say. He isn't sorry, just honored. I think his picture is listed under one of the disorders here: dsm an

Get ready, get set

I need to stop beating myself up with this. I feel shrowded in negativity and I can feel him pulling away from me. He is a mound of problems and I think I am tired of getting beat up because he doesn't know what the hell he wants in his life. I am hurt and feel so alone but at the same time I can not continue this dance of wondering what week this is, one where he is interested or one where his mind is filled with doubt.

When I think about it, I realize that if I were to end this interlude, then I would feel hurt and alone, which is just as I do now when he decides that he suddenly doesn't know what he wants. Things would be better I suppose if I were alone, of course, minus the moments of laughter and realization that we love to be with each other.

I'm so sad and empty at the thought of it, but maybe it's the right thing to do...for myself.

Formulas and Clues

There is this element of design in a relationship that details the dynamics between two individuals. When one person knows the other cares they tend to back off, and then vice versa. It seems that there is rarely a time when the two players can come to the table with the same level of feelings.

When they do it seems that the tides some how turn and one or the other loses interest or faulters in some way, one way or another.

Did the story of the boy who cried wolf ever work out where he learns the lesson that chronic fibbing and story telling leads others to a poor reputation and a high probability that others will have a hard time believing him when he swears he is this time telling the truth?

I'm sure there must be a clue or some sort of acidic or litmus paper test to determine that this time, he is telling the truth. This time he is being honest and this time I should believe what he tells me is the truth. Or is it that the hard truth is that he can't find it in himself to be honest and not only tell the truth but maintain truthful actions.....

We all tell little white lies, sacraficing the full detail because it will hurt someone or such detail ends up being more insignificant than worthy. In my mind's eye, it becomes an issue when the behavior is untruthful, this is a habit. A process that took years to master, and will either take a mircale or a major influencing motiviation to break the mold.

Step one, two, three

Lately I think to myself, what am I going to do to get up and out of this rut that I've fallen into? Time ticks by and I am lossing more days. I feel so unproductive.

I have been thinking about B as of late, I wonder if he is really getting married...he could be married already....anything is possible. I don't know who I feel more sorry for, him or her.... Maybe him...poor guy. He settled. After all the pontificating and declaration, he settles.

Geez, I think I would rather be alone, how bad can alone be? I've been alone before. Yes, it's difficult its the little things that do matter. Like emptying the dish washer unprompted. Wow.....

I suppose at some point there has to be a moment when you think about aging and your life in the future. Do I see myself wanting to share myself with someone who equally wants to share themselves with me. I do see myself that way and wonder how we will work out all the details. How do you keep things fresh... how do you overcome the ruts, and moments of confusion and doubt?

Discomfort & Uncomfortable

I should write a book about the interactions and observations that I have come to see as my day to day experiences in this place I call my home. I seem to be surrounded by primative substance dependent people who just about make it to work after binge drinking for 72 hrs straight.
I over heard my roommate on the phone last night telling someone that she was on her better behavior last weekend as she was drunk by 1pm instead of 11am as the weekend before. Who does that?
I'm tired and wish to God that I could sleep for a bit. As the day goes on and the afternoon becomes evening, I am reminded that the day is Thursday and it's likely that everyone is out for Happy Hour. Why are the words happy hour capitalized you ask? Because around here, its a holiday and as a rightfully earned as any other holiday, happy hour thursday is written in all caps.

Its the first sign of spring outside, I hear the ice cream truck roll around the block and recall the moments of my youth when it would wander the lonely streets of my home town in hopes that some lucky kid would have pursuaded their parents to give them 75 cents for a toasted almond. Today in the city, the truck as it turns the corner looks frightenly the same as it did back then, only now the cost is 4xs what it was then, and kids are hardened and their parents likely won't let them out the house after school let alone buy and ice cream from some scrubby looking guy in an ice cream truck.

Is it any wonder that people live for Thursday Happy Hour??