FOUND: Old & Random thoughts from 9/2003-11/2003

it don't matter to me...i feel a wreck today. I could lay my head down and fall asleep in probably like five minutes. the weather may have something to do with it, the gray shroud that hangs so close to the ground gives me the impression that everything is moving in slow motion today.

Reflection on the dread when love is rare and young, it's all real, but time always reveals the bitter taste of losing everything that I hold dear. Kierkegaard knew the horror of everthing disappearing before a sick brooding over the tale of one's own miserable self. He sought for the way between this devouring of oneself in observation as though one were the only man who had ever been , and the sorry comfort of a universal human shipwreck. He knew the unhappy relativity in everything, the unending question about what I am .... a wound that will not heal.

If I lose my sense of humor I best find it fast, otherwise I surely will find myself in the confounds of a place that they don't let me talk about , that they don't acknowledge as part of who I am, the one, the girl w/ the issue, the anger, the problem. Jesus Christ you think I suffered from some kind of debilitating dis-ease, ok so I don't dig self help books or those chinsey little pocket cards made out of some plastic resin that help me be a better person....Big deal what does that get you?, except a thought, a recollection at the most inappropriate time.


::so you want to know how to side step do ya?:: no problem. let me just move this pile of shit that i have beneath my feet. i am sorry that your not able to connect the dots right now, but if you look closely you will notice that some of them are missing. in which case feel free to make up the steps as you go a long. we will simply erase all the pieces of you that are not attractive. i love a good joke, you know the ones that leave you giglilng for say about an hour after their punchline, I mean how fucking simple are we as a society that daily dilberts

:: how long can you keep this up? :: this masquerading is getting to be too much for me to deal with. i don't know what i want anymore than a three year old child knows what they want to do with the rest of their life. here i am again going into negativity mode, open the doorway for the mundane and routine workload, you can go ahead and place it in the center of the room as this will be it's debut performance.

Once again I set myself up for disappointment, it is no use despite that I try to remain outside of myself but it never fails, there I go again about ready to turn and walk away and then I step off the edge of a cliff. Hey listen, of course it was good for the short time it lasted. There was giggling and a pang of excitement that took my body over for a period of 192 hours while I was under the disillusion that it and I were actually going to be different this time, that I would patiently maintain my self composure and be a perfectly able bodied citizen while the world spun on it’s axsis and we went about business in our usually slow motion paper-filled sort of way. While behind the glass curtain there was tension, there was this heavy burden that filled the space we walked in. The wind as we walk is wrapped up in those uncomfortable moments of silence when time moves it’s slowest. Except it doesn’t work out like that in the real world as well as it does on paper and so here I am faced with the conceptual misfortune of knowing that in due time this too will turn sour.

::managerial nightmares:: so the lease is on it's way. i am waiting to see pages start flying out of the fax machine but at the moment nothing comes. i saw that double l had his weekly distribution out and about the other day, he is ridiculous. i am inclined to think that he is lonely and does not know how to make real friends so he simply hooks on to everyone elses. everything about him is shallow, ha that is funny because it means short

change is good i grow bored with things, i suppose it is no suprise that i end up looking for another other to satisfy my needs. it's no use. i try to stay focused. but time and time again i see the mundane creeping up over the horizon and low and behold, i once again am plagued by temptation, abandonment and disinterest. so what do i do? i go out and find myself a new blog, a little something to take the edge off..... whew.


::if you stand still long enough you get stuck:: it's cold here in this place, the only place i know of, there are crevisces along the wall and icles hanging from the ceiling, i don't really know any other place, i do know that if i try to walk away from here, i realize i am stuck to the floor...

3/19 Arms length
I am always the one in control and I lost that control on Sat. I let my emotions get the better of me. I am humilated yet at the same time I had to stand up for myself. In reality I don't know what I said to him, it was bad.. that was turning point. There is no going back but maybe that is ok. In the end, I was honest with my feelings. I had to be and besides I don't like feeling as though I'm being disrespected.

"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words." - closer 2004

3/15 How big is your shovel?
Funny thing about stupid people... they think your dump enough to believe the shit they shovel. I have no patience or room in my life for it. B was a trip but I knew no matter what he loved me. I knew as he sat on my couch at 9am on sunday that he loved me like he will love no other. I may at the end of my life will have loved him and no other.