3/11 Mixed messages
Someone recently told me a quote that Yoda is famous for.. there is no trying there is only doing. Funny thing. Dancing w/ the red scarf the other night. It was fun until he disspearred. He says these things to me.. while contemplating the choices he has in front of him. The uncertainly of what is before him.. Yet he says things that make it seems that he is serious about his feelings for me. I find myself returing those feelings But then feel them drain away when he tells me he is seeing someone else. Right now his life is on hold so I suppose he is having fun and I get that. I understand that. I think some of that fun is at my expense. I feel hurt when he entertains her while he is w/ me.. I don't ask for much, but if respect is too much to return, then maybe his words are empty and I take them to be more than they really are.

3/7 One step, two step, spin
The last few days have me wondering if betty ford is in order. Hoboken St Pat's pararde ensued w/ very long day of miller lites.. what was I thinking. Met red scarf at the shannon, we had the best time dancing. To me at least it was as though there was no one else in the room. I dont want to forget that feeling no matter what happens with him. His laundry list of issues is long. Yet, I enjoy his company and his conversation. There was so much energy between us. I don't think it was one sided, but I do believe it has been building for quite sometime now. It is no wonder I found myself Sunday w/ him and then signing up for latin dancing on mon nights....

3/2 The wounded
Interesting how there are these connections when you first meet someone. Eventually, the layers of the onion peel and exposed before you is either a rare gem or mixed up ball of yarn. This one is so tangled, and knotted that it is almost impossible to get those intial feelings back. I have met a wounded yo yo. Perhpas that is why he wears a red scarf, it is the noose he keeps around his neck. For surely he has tried either by accident or via his own accord, to hang himself on more than one occassion. This might come back to bite me but I have to test the waters.

2/19 A red scarf
Tired...running from one social gathering to another. I keep seeing Jeff everywhere. I am glad we still hang out though. Its enough for me right now. Ok who the hell is this turtleneck and scarf guy? Alicia and Jean had their parties this wknd.. both were great the photos are hilarious. Almost brought Jeff to Jeans but I am glad I didn't, turtleneck guy was there.. and he was wearing a red scarf... there is something to be said about him.. I have this feeling not sure about it, I think I will let it unravel.

2/15 Valentine for me
Odd thing.... perhaps I am mistaken... is the turtleneck guy for real or just a good talker.. for now I'm banking on the latter. I had to save this, it really caught my attention...
(2/14 8:25 pm): Happy Valentines Day
Me (2/14 8:28 pm): Am I on a mass distribution list here?
(2/14 8:32 pm) Hehhehe
Me (2/14 8:43 pm): I thought u were busy tonight?
2/14 8:46 pm): Had to cancel. Ihave a bad cold
Me (2/14 8:48 pm): Sorry to hear I hope she isn't disppointed. Hope u feel better
(2/14 8:50 pm): She? Thanks. Get any valentines from anyone? What u doing tom night?
Me (2/14 8:57 pm): Well it is valentines day. Tomorrow I don't have any plans.
(2/14 9:04 pm): So how many boys sent u flowers today?
Me (2/14 9:05 pm): Zero how many did u send?
(2/14 9:06 pm): Hahahha only about 8 or so
Me (2/14 9:07 pm): Oh that's it huh? I knew u were occupied
(2/14 9:10 pm): I hope u know I'm only joking, silly. As soon as I get better, we have 2 meet up! Did u watch the charlie brown valentine special 2 nite?
Me (2/14 9:13 pm): I'm only busting you. Yes we should have dinner. No I didn't see the Charlie Brown special but I checked my mailbox & ..no valentine:-(
(2/14 9:18 pm): Well ur adorable so the guys are just missing out 4 not being brave enough 2 send u anything :)
Me (2/14 9:24pm): WOW
was all I could say....

2/14 Observations
Today is that ridiculous holiday again. The most loathsome and offensive of all manufactured holidays is upon us. From Hallmark's Vomitorium of verse to Wal-Mart kitschy, cheap and cheery displays of cutesy wutsie stuffed animals, to the lavishly tied white ribbons around those robin egg blue Tiffany boxes (ok i have some ) that contain small trinkets of silver, gold, and diamonds that represent the depth of one's love in its most horrid form.

After running into Jeff yet again on the path, we part ways at the bus he takes and I walk to work in the cold and bitter air. I see the street vendors line their tables w/stuffed teddy bears. Their arms cradling a red polyester stuffed heart outlined w/ a white dolie that reads "Be Mine" on the front. Its the card store line that gets me.. wrapped around the isles, people wait in frustration to purchase a card that eithsummarizeszes how they feel about someone or one that sounds good enough to be called their feelings. I catch the wind on my face, close my eyes and exhale.. I am blessed, not just because I am lucky to see the difference but because I am so loved.

2/13 A Collision of Confirmations
Threw darts last night... I was on target, it must have been the weather. As I stood talking to some young boy about the girl he is madly in love w/ I realized that had burn spots on my back. Not from anything but someone's evil glare. I ask myself when will it end? As if two years of not getting what you want is not enough of an indication that you never will. I think of the words I pushed aside recenlty when a friend said the induction of the dog is a way to get to your heart. Sadly, for him and the dog, that will never happen. Not because I am protecting myself, but I simply don't have the capacity to enjoy his person. I see his manipulations and the plotting he does to gain what he wants and I am disgusted. I feel sorry for the dog.

This city is cold, the snow is coming and his kiss was just enough to put me on edge. After midnight, he came to win a game of darts w/ me. It was fun and it was geniune. Yet as we snuck out the back door into the snow covered streets and headed toward home, I couldn't help but think about the boy w/ the two-toned shoe laces, and turtleneck I left inside.

2/3 -2/6 Killington
Put 12 adults and some very un adult people in a house in Vermont for five days and strange things happen. This year's theme had something to do w/ the wild wild west. As if we needed to title ourselves. Out behavior wasn't enough explanation. I was able sleep in and stay up all night as though I were 24 again.. haa those were the times,.. and I so don't miss them.. It's funny though when you don't have to think or produce a result, being drunk at 4 in the afternoon until 4 am doesn't seem to impact you....until you get home and reality sets in.

I am fairly certain I drove up to Vermont on Friday aslegitimateate citizearmoredred by car insurance and a social security number and a few extra pair of underwear. Monday though driving home, I somehow had to reconcile myself to the fact that I have grown old. I came to the conclusion that the sauna and the jaguzzi soothe me (and in that order), I prefer wine over beer, and I am completely happy about sitting on a couch practicing karaoke instead of playing beer games. I am not into gossip, and I don't really feel all that hurt if people talk about me, but it bothers me to hear people talk about other people when they are not around. I realized that I don't love Jeff and not having him in my life while saddens me greatly.... is for the best. As creatures we are similar, but I couldn't love him like I want to love a man.

1/22 Ghosts
Spent the night in the city for Alan's bday.. It was ok until the ghost from the past showed up w/ nowhere to sleep...suddenly at 2am, I had some person I used to know and love for that matter confess that he should have married me years ago and is forever plagued by a sadness that won't go away. What am I suppose to say to this? I watch him pace back and forth has HE tells me that his girlfriend drinks too much. I laugh to myself and can only imagine their monthly payments to the liquor store. He stays w/ her because of the dog he says. He walks to the window and interupts himself w/ a comment about my apt window view. He is relaxed but that veil of anxiety hangs over him still. The lines on his face are deeper. His eyes are still that same green color, that catch the light and sparkle despite his anger. I give him a pillow and blanket and kiss his forehead good night. He tries to kiss me, we hug and at that moment I know that so much time as passed that it is almost as though we were once fused, passed through each other, and now stand back to back.. I can't relate to him anymore. In the morning I call him a cab and send him home to his dog. Funny thing, I'm not even sad, more disappointed.

1/21 lifeless
There is the humming of the refrigerator, and the whirling sound of the wind outside. I am sitting on my bed, starring out the window, eight stories up, watching the lights of the city flicker and dance in the cold crisp air. The orange lights illuminate the clouds looming up high above the city buildings, they are wispy and frail. They move across the sky like icing on a birthday cake. Once again I am tired. My eyes ache and my back feels so tense and twisted. Judy is in the living room, talking to anyone who will listen. Sometimes she rattles on over and over about the most mundane event. At those moments, it is clear to me that she is afraid to be alone. Fearful of what might happen if she doesn't turn on the TV or speak out loud. She tells me how Heather spilled a drink on her new 200$ jeans as if I weren't there to witness the catastrophe. Or as if I needed to relive every detail of this poetic display of Heather's clumsiness. "Andy was rude to the bouncer at The Madison", she says in a high pitched voice. "He was", I say back. I heard this story three times already, but I go along w/ it, just because I don't have the energy to tell her otherwise. "Yes, when we were there on Thursday for the customer Christmas party, he was bulling the door guy so he could get in in front of others." The guy told him, "You never come here all year dude, why should I let you in now?" "Really?", I shout back, as the wind whips and rattles the windows. Somehow the conversation ends, and I wonder if I should have the rest of the wine I opened last night. It's only 5 PM on Saturday. I woke up at noon, and the sun has already sunk in the sky. I could go to the gym instead of having the wine, but that makes me tired just thinking about it. I fall back onto my pillow, close my eyes and wish I were asleep.