He has no idea. Each moment that goes by, I am more and more detached from him. I watch him move around the room, and my eyes burn into his back. It's almost that I've grown to dislike him, and yet I pull him closer to me because of it. Cruel I know. I can't help it. I hint to him that he doesn't really know me. I say it as though it were an invitation. I know that he is not capable of such a task, as he is so consumed with himself to learn about anyone else. And so it is really out jest (for myself) that I present the opportunity.
He questions my feelings for him says that I am too objective to love. Perhaps that is the problem in nutshell.
12.07.2006
10.12.2006
Reservations
and lots of them. It's only a matter of time. I can see it already, this too will crash into the dirt. There used to be excitement and anticipation, now words are conveniently and strategically spoken. Funny how someone's attention span is so short. I'm glad I enjoyed it while it lasted. I suppose I knew all along in the back of my mind. Not as comforting in terms of intimacy but I still have my friends and my family, I will muddle through this somehow.....I always do.
5.24.2006
Lessons Learned:
Be more demanding. Clearly know your non negotiables. Don't be afraid to make reminders on dates, events and goings on. They don't know, they forget. They need to be pushed sometimes. Please if I have to remind them, then they don't want to be reminder or be there.
4.27.2006
It's Take your
BEASTLY Child to work day here at 111 Wall Street.... apparently no medications have been administered.. I thought maybe one might act as though they were in church.. sitting nicely, legs and arms folded, no drooling or games of hide and seek permitted.. a nice day spent watching what mummy and daddy do so they can buy you trucks and Barbie dolls and pricey sneakers all year long..... Instead we are having sprinting races.. war games, and the occasional request to shred the pile of documents on my credenza. I'm outta here for lunch!
BEASTLY Child to work day here at 111 Wall Street.... apparently no medications have been administered.. I thought maybe one might act as though they were in church.. sitting nicely, legs and arms folded, no drooling or games of hide and seek permitted.. a nice day spent watching what mummy and daddy do so they can buy you trucks and Barbie dolls and pricey sneakers all year long..... Instead we are having sprinting races.. war games, and the occasional request to shred the pile of documents on my credenza. I'm outta here for lunch!
4.10.2006
Misconstrued, Misinformed = A monumental Miscalculation:
Exposure brings the hard reality that it really hurts to let yourself feel...
I just don't want to let another missed opportunity get away.
It's over now... it was fast and furious. The lights were brighter and there was hope in my voice. I was hopeful. I was misinformed, I interrepated things far differently than they really were. I lost my ability to remain objectionable. I lost my ability to stay in control.
It's my drinking that pushed me over the edge. I might have been able to remain in control but there was too much alchol in my system, that coupled w/ my nerves and emotions and I lost it. I pushed him right away, just like I had subconsciously planned to do all along.
When ever will I learn?
I just don't want to let another missed opportunity get away.
It's over now... it was fast and furious. The lights were brighter and there was hope in my voice. I was hopeful. I was misinformed, I interrepated things far differently than they really were. I lost my ability to remain objectionable. I lost my ability to stay in control.
It's my drinking that pushed me over the edge. I might have been able to remain in control but there was too much alchol in my system, that coupled w/ my nerves and emotions and I lost it. I pushed him right away, just like I had subconsciously planned to do all along.
When ever will I learn?
4.03.2006
Distorted Interpretations
Its rather interesting to me how someone can say or do something and it can be either intreprated or take completely out of context or metephophized to mean something completly other than what the person meant it to mean..
It could be that someone people hear only what they want to hear and dont pay attention to the other signals...
Or is it that there are those signals or words that are spoken and the person speaking them doesn't realize what they are actually saying?
No one owes me a committment.. but they do owe me the respect to not flaunt their dealings w/others in front of me...
Its rather interesting to me how someone can say or do something and it can be either intreprated or take completely out of context or metephophized to mean something completly other than what the person meant it to mean..
It could be that someone people hear only what they want to hear and dont pay attention to the other signals...
Or is it that there are those signals or words that are spoken and the person speaking them doesn't realize what they are actually saying?
No one owes me a committment.. but they do owe me the respect to not flaunt their dealings w/others in front of me...
3.20.2006
FOUND: Old & Random thoughts from 9/2003-11/2003
it don't matter to me...i feel a wreck today. I could lay my head down and fall asleep in probably like five minutes. the weather may have something to do with it, the gray shroud that hangs so close to the ground gives me the impression that everything is moving in slow motion today.
Reflection on the dread when love is rare and young, it's all real, but time always reveals the bitter taste of losing everything that I hold dear. Kierkegaard knew the horror of everthing disappearing before a sick brooding over the tale of one's own miserable self. He sought for the way between this devouring of oneself in observation as though one were the only man who had ever been , and the sorry comfort of a universal human shipwreck. He knew the unhappy relativity in everything, the unending question about what I am .... a wound that will not heal.
If I lose my sense of humor I best find it fast, otherwise I surely will find myself in the confounds of a place that they don't let me talk about , that they don't acknowledge as part of who I am, the one, the girl w/ the issue, the anger, the problem. Jesus Christ you think I suffered from some kind of debilitating dis-ease, ok so I don't dig self help books or those chinsey little pocket cards made out of some plastic resin that help me be a better person....Big deal what does that get you?, except a thought, a recollection at the most inappropriate time.
::so you want to know how to side step do ya?:: no problem. let me just move this pile of shit that i have beneath my feet. i am sorry that your not able to connect the dots right now, but if you look closely you will notice that some of them are missing. in which case feel free to make up the steps as you go a long. we will simply erase all the pieces of you that are not attractive. i love a good joke, you know the ones that leave you giglilng for say about an hour after their punchline, I mean how fucking simple are we as a society that daily dilberts
:: how long can you keep this up? :: this masquerading is getting to be too much for me to deal with. i don't know what i want anymore than a three year old child knows what they want to do with the rest of their life. here i am again going into negativity mode, open the doorway for the mundane and routine workload, you can go ahead and place it in the center of the room as this will be it's debut performance.
Once again I set myself up for disappointment, it is no use despite that I try to remain outside of myself but it never fails, there I go again about ready to turn and walk away and then I step off the edge of a cliff. Hey listen, of course it was good for the short time it lasted. There was giggling and a pang of excitement that took my body over for a period of 192 hours while I was under the disillusion that it and I were actually going to be different this time, that I would patiently maintain my self composure and be a perfectly able bodied citizen while the world spun on it’s axsis and we went about business in our usually slow motion paper-filled sort of way. While behind the glass curtain there was tension, there was this heavy burden that filled the space we walked in. The wind as we walk is wrapped up in those uncomfortable moments of silence when time moves it’s slowest. Except it doesn’t work out like that in the real world as well as it does on paper and so here I am faced with the conceptual misfortune of knowing that in due time this too will turn sour.
::managerial nightmares:: so the lease is on it's way. i am waiting to see pages start flying out of the fax machine but at the moment nothing comes. i saw that double l had his weekly distribution out and about the other day, he is ridiculous. i am inclined to think that he is lonely and does not know how to make real friends so he simply hooks on to everyone elses. everything about him is shallow, ha that is funny because it means short
change is good i grow bored with things, i suppose it is no suprise that i end up looking for another other to satisfy my needs. it's no use. i try to stay focused. but time and time again i see the mundane creeping up over the horizon and low and behold, i once again am plagued by temptation, abandonment and disinterest. so what do i do? i go out and find myself a new blog, a little something to take the edge off..... whew.
::if you stand still long enough you get stuck:: it's cold here in this place, the only place i know of, there are crevisces along the wall and icles hanging from the ceiling, i don't really know any other place, i do know that if i try to walk away from here, i realize i am stuck to the floor...
it don't matter to me...i feel a wreck today. I could lay my head down and fall asleep in probably like five minutes. the weather may have something to do with it, the gray shroud that hangs so close to the ground gives me the impression that everything is moving in slow motion today.
Reflection on the dread when love is rare and young, it's all real, but time always reveals the bitter taste of losing everything that I hold dear. Kierkegaard knew the horror of everthing disappearing before a sick brooding over the tale of one's own miserable self. He sought for the way between this devouring of oneself in observation as though one were the only man who had ever been , and the sorry comfort of a universal human shipwreck. He knew the unhappy relativity in everything, the unending question about what I am .... a wound that will not heal.
If I lose my sense of humor I best find it fast, otherwise I surely will find myself in the confounds of a place that they don't let me talk about , that they don't acknowledge as part of who I am, the one, the girl w/ the issue, the anger, the problem. Jesus Christ you think I suffered from some kind of debilitating dis-ease, ok so I don't dig self help books or those chinsey little pocket cards made out of some plastic resin that help me be a better person....Big deal what does that get you?, except a thought, a recollection at the most inappropriate time.
::so you want to know how to side step do ya?:: no problem. let me just move this pile of shit that i have beneath my feet. i am sorry that your not able to connect the dots right now, but if you look closely you will notice that some of them are missing. in which case feel free to make up the steps as you go a long. we will simply erase all the pieces of you that are not attractive. i love a good joke, you know the ones that leave you giglilng for say about an hour after their punchline, I mean how fucking simple are we as a society that daily dilberts
:: how long can you keep this up? :: this masquerading is getting to be too much for me to deal with. i don't know what i want anymore than a three year old child knows what they want to do with the rest of their life. here i am again going into negativity mode, open the doorway for the mundane and routine workload, you can go ahead and place it in the center of the room as this will be it's debut performance.
Once again I set myself up for disappointment, it is no use despite that I try to remain outside of myself but it never fails, there I go again about ready to turn and walk away and then I step off the edge of a cliff. Hey listen, of course it was good for the short time it lasted. There was giggling and a pang of excitement that took my body over for a period of 192 hours while I was under the disillusion that it and I were actually going to be different this time, that I would patiently maintain my self composure and be a perfectly able bodied citizen while the world spun on it’s axsis and we went about business in our usually slow motion paper-filled sort of way. While behind the glass curtain there was tension, there was this heavy burden that filled the space we walked in. The wind as we walk is wrapped up in those uncomfortable moments of silence when time moves it’s slowest. Except it doesn’t work out like that in the real world as well as it does on paper and so here I am faced with the conceptual misfortune of knowing that in due time this too will turn sour.
::managerial nightmares:: so the lease is on it's way. i am waiting to see pages start flying out of the fax machine but at the moment nothing comes. i saw that double l had his weekly distribution out and about the other day, he is ridiculous. i am inclined to think that he is lonely and does not know how to make real friends so he simply hooks on to everyone elses. everything about him is shallow, ha that is funny because it means short
change is good i grow bored with things, i suppose it is no suprise that i end up looking for another other to satisfy my needs. it's no use. i try to stay focused. but time and time again i see the mundane creeping up over the horizon and low and behold, i once again am plagued by temptation, abandonment and disinterest. so what do i do? i go out and find myself a new blog, a little something to take the edge off..... whew.
::if you stand still long enough you get stuck:: it's cold here in this place, the only place i know of, there are crevisces along the wall and icles hanging from the ceiling, i don't really know any other place, i do know that if i try to walk away from here, i realize i am stuck to the floor...
3.15.2006
3/19 Arms length
I am always the one in control and I lost that control on Sat. I let my emotions get the better of me. I am humilated yet at the same time I had to stand up for myself. In reality I don't know what I said to him, it was bad.. that was turning point. There is no going back but maybe that is ok. In the end, I was honest with my feelings. I had to be and besides I don't like feeling as though I'm being disrespected.
"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words." - closer 2004
3/15 How big is your shovel?
Funny thing about stupid people... they think your dump enough to believe the shit they shovel. I have no patience or room in my life for it. B was a trip but I knew no matter what he loved me. I knew as he sat on my couch at 9am on sunday that he loved me like he will love no other. I may at the end of my life will have loved him and no other.
I am always the one in control and I lost that control on Sat. I let my emotions get the better of me. I am humilated yet at the same time I had to stand up for myself. In reality I don't know what I said to him, it was bad.. that was turning point. There is no going back but maybe that is ok. In the end, I was honest with my feelings. I had to be and besides I don't like feeling as though I'm being disrespected.
"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words." - closer 2004
3/15 How big is your shovel?
Funny thing about stupid people... they think your dump enough to believe the shit they shovel. I have no patience or room in my life for it. B was a trip but I knew no matter what he loved me. I knew as he sat on my couch at 9am on sunday that he loved me like he will love no other. I may at the end of my life will have loved him and no other.
1.21.2006
3/11 Mixed messages
Someone recently told me a quote that Yoda is famous for.. there is no trying there is only doing. Funny thing. Dancing w/ the red scarf the other night. It was fun until he disspearred. He says these things to me.. while contemplating the choices he has in front of him. The uncertainly of what is before him.. Yet he says things that make it seems that he is serious about his feelings for me. I find myself returing those feelings But then feel them drain away when he tells me he is seeing someone else. Right now his life is on hold so I suppose he is having fun and I get that. I understand that. I think some of that fun is at my expense. I feel hurt when he entertains her while he is w/ me.. I don't ask for much, but if respect is too much to return, then maybe his words are empty and I take them to be more than they really are.
3/7 One step, two step, spin
The last few days have me wondering if betty ford is in order. Hoboken St Pat's pararde ensued w/ very long day of miller lites.. what was I thinking. Met red scarf at the shannon, we had the best time dancing. To me at least it was as though there was no one else in the room. I dont want to forget that feeling no matter what happens with him. His laundry list of issues is long. Yet, I enjoy his company and his conversation. There was so much energy between us. I don't think it was one sided, but I do believe it has been building for quite sometime now. It is no wonder I found myself Sunday w/ him and then signing up for latin dancing on mon nights....
3/2 The wounded
Interesting how there are these connections when you first meet someone. Eventually, the layers of the onion peel and exposed before you is either a rare gem or mixed up ball of yarn. This one is so tangled, and knotted that it is almost impossible to get those intial feelings back. I have met a wounded yo yo. Perhpas that is why he wears a red scarf, it is the noose he keeps around his neck. For surely he has tried either by accident or via his own accord, to hang himself on more than one occassion. This might come back to bite me but I have to test the waters.
2/19 A red scarf
Tired...running from one social gathering to another. I keep seeing Jeff everywhere. I am glad we still hang out though. Its enough for me right now. Ok who the hell is this turtleneck and scarf guy? Alicia and Jean had their parties this wknd.. both were great the photos are hilarious. Almost brought Jeff to Jeans but I am glad I didn't, turtleneck guy was there.. and he was wearing a red scarf... there is something to be said about him.. I have this feeling not sure about it, I think I will let it unravel.
2/15 Valentine for me
Odd thing.... perhaps I am mistaken... is the turtleneck guy for real or just a good talker.. for now I'm banking on the latter. I had to save this, it really caught my attention...
(2/14 8:25 pm): Happy Valentines Day
Me (2/14 8:28 pm): Am I on a mass distribution list here?
(2/14 8:32 pm) Hehhehe
Me (2/14 8:43 pm): I thought u were busy tonight?
2/14 8:46 pm): Had to cancel. Ihave a bad cold
Me (2/14 8:48 pm): Sorry to hear I hope she isn't disppointed. Hope u feel better
(2/14 8:50 pm): She? Thanks. Get any valentines from anyone? What u doing tom night?
Me (2/14 8:57 pm): Well it is valentines day. Tomorrow I don't have any plans.
(2/14 9:04 pm): So how many boys sent u flowers today?
Me (2/14 9:05 pm): Zero how many did u send?
(2/14 9:06 pm): Hahahha only about 8 or so
Me (2/14 9:07 pm): Oh that's it huh? I knew u were occupied
(2/14 9:10 pm): I hope u know I'm only joking, silly. As soon as I get better, we have 2 meet up! Did u watch the charlie brown valentine special 2 nite?
Me (2/14 9:13 pm): I'm only busting you. Yes we should have dinner. No I didn't see the Charlie Brown special but I checked my mailbox & ..no valentine:-(
(2/14 9:18 pm): Well ur adorable so the guys are just missing out 4 not being brave enough 2 send u anything :)
Me (2/14 9:24pm): WOW
was all I could say....
2/14 Observations
Today is that ridiculous holiday again. The most loathsome and offensive of all manufactured holidays is upon us. From Hallmark's Vomitorium of verse to Wal-Mart kitschy, cheap and cheery displays of cutesy wutsie stuffed animals, to the lavishly tied white ribbons around those robin egg blue Tiffany boxes (ok i have some ) that contain small trinkets of silver, gold, and diamonds that represent the depth of one's love in its most horrid form.
After running into Jeff yet again on the path, we part ways at the bus he takes and I walk to work in the cold and bitter air. I see the street vendors line their tables w/stuffed teddy bears. Their arms cradling a red polyester stuffed heart outlined w/ a white dolie that reads "Be Mine" on the front. Its the card store line that gets me.. wrapped around the isles, people wait in frustration to purchase a card that eithsummarizeszes how they feel about someone or one that sounds good enough to be called their feelings. I catch the wind on my face, close my eyes and exhale.. I am blessed, not just because I am lucky to see the difference but because I am so loved.
2/13 A Collision of Confirmations
Threw darts last night... I was on target, it must have been the weather. As I stood talking to some young boy about the girl he is madly in love w/ I realized that had burn spots on my back. Not from anything but someone's evil glare. I ask myself when will it end? As if two years of not getting what you want is not enough of an indication that you never will. I think of the words I pushed aside recenlty when a friend said the induction of the dog is a way to get to your heart. Sadly, for him and the dog, that will never happen. Not because I am protecting myself, but I simply don't have the capacity to enjoy his person. I see his manipulations and the plotting he does to gain what he wants and I am disgusted. I feel sorry for the dog.
This city is cold, the snow is coming and his kiss was just enough to put me on edge. After midnight, he came to win a game of darts w/ me. It was fun and it was geniune. Yet as we snuck out the back door into the snow covered streets and headed toward home, I couldn't help but think about the boy w/ the two-toned shoe laces, and turtleneck I left inside.
2/3 -2/6 Killington
Put 12 adults and some very un adult people in a house in Vermont for five days and strange things happen. This year's theme had something to do w/ the wild wild west. As if we needed to title ourselves. Out behavior wasn't enough explanation. I was able sleep in and stay up all night as though I were 24 again.. haa those were the times,.. and I so don't miss them.. It's funny though when you don't have to think or produce a result, being drunk at 4 in the afternoon until 4 am doesn't seem to impact you....until you get home and reality sets in.
I am fairly certain I drove up to Vermont on Friday aslegitimateate citizearmoredred by car insurance and a social security number and a few extra pair of underwear. Monday though driving home, I somehow had to reconcile myself to the fact that I have grown old. I came to the conclusion that the sauna and the jaguzzi soothe me (and in that order), I prefer wine over beer, and I am completely happy about sitting on a couch practicing karaoke instead of playing beer games. I am not into gossip, and I don't really feel all that hurt if people talk about me, but it bothers me to hear people talk about other people when they are not around. I realized that I don't love Jeff and not having him in my life while saddens me greatly.... is for the best. As creatures we are similar, but I couldn't love him like I want to love a man.
1/22 Ghosts
Spent the night in the city for Alan's bday.. It was ok until the ghost from the past showed up w/ nowhere to sleep...suddenly at 2am, I had some person I used to know and love for that matter confess that he should have married me years ago and is forever plagued by a sadness that won't go away. What am I suppose to say to this? I watch him pace back and forth has HE tells me that his girlfriend drinks too much. I laugh to myself and can only imagine their monthly payments to the liquor store. He stays w/ her because of the dog he says. He walks to the window and interupts himself w/ a comment about my apt window view. He is relaxed but that veil of anxiety hangs over him still. The lines on his face are deeper. His eyes are still that same green color, that catch the light and sparkle despite his anger. I give him a pillow and blanket and kiss his forehead good night. He tries to kiss me, we hug and at that moment I know that so much time as passed that it is almost as though we were once fused, passed through each other, and now stand back to back.. I can't relate to him anymore. In the morning I call him a cab and send him home to his dog. Funny thing, I'm not even sad, more disappointed.
1/21 lifeless
There is the humming of the refrigerator, and the whirling sound of the wind outside. I am sitting on my bed, starring out the window, eight stories up, watching the lights of the city flicker and dance in the cold crisp air. The orange lights illuminate the clouds looming up high above the city buildings, they are wispy and frail. They move across the sky like icing on a birthday cake. Once again I am tired. My eyes ache and my back feels so tense and twisted. Judy is in the living room, talking to anyone who will listen. Sometimes she rattles on over and over about the most mundane event. At those moments, it is clear to me that she is afraid to be alone. Fearful of what might happen if she doesn't turn on the TV or speak out loud. She tells me how Heather spilled a drink on her new 200$ jeans as if I weren't there to witness the catastrophe. Or as if I needed to relive every detail of this poetic display of Heather's clumsiness. "Andy was rude to the bouncer at The Madison", she says in a high pitched voice. "He was", I say back. I heard this story three times already, but I go along w/ it, just because I don't have the energy to tell her otherwise. "Yes, when we were there on Thursday for the customer Christmas party, he was bulling the door guy so he could get in in front of others." The guy told him, "You never come here all year dude, why should I let you in now?" "Really?", I shout back, as the wind whips and rattles the windows. Somehow the conversation ends, and I wonder if I should have the rest of the wine I opened last night. It's only 5 PM on Saturday. I woke up at noon, and the sun has already sunk in the sky. I could go to the gym instead of having the wine, but that makes me tired just thinking about it. I fall back onto my pillow, close my eyes and wish I were asleep.
Someone recently told me a quote that Yoda is famous for.. there is no trying there is only doing. Funny thing. Dancing w/ the red scarf the other night. It was fun until he disspearred. He says these things to me.. while contemplating the choices he has in front of him. The uncertainly of what is before him.. Yet he says things that make it seems that he is serious about his feelings for me. I find myself returing those feelings But then feel them drain away when he tells me he is seeing someone else. Right now his life is on hold so I suppose he is having fun and I get that. I understand that. I think some of that fun is at my expense. I feel hurt when he entertains her while he is w/ me.. I don't ask for much, but if respect is too much to return, then maybe his words are empty and I take them to be more than they really are.
3/7 One step, two step, spin
The last few days have me wondering if betty ford is in order. Hoboken St Pat's pararde ensued w/ very long day of miller lites.. what was I thinking. Met red scarf at the shannon, we had the best time dancing. To me at least it was as though there was no one else in the room. I dont want to forget that feeling no matter what happens with him. His laundry list of issues is long. Yet, I enjoy his company and his conversation. There was so much energy between us. I don't think it was one sided, but I do believe it has been building for quite sometime now. It is no wonder I found myself Sunday w/ him and then signing up for latin dancing on mon nights....
3/2 The wounded
Interesting how there are these connections when you first meet someone. Eventually, the layers of the onion peel and exposed before you is either a rare gem or mixed up ball of yarn. This one is so tangled, and knotted that it is almost impossible to get those intial feelings back. I have met a wounded yo yo. Perhpas that is why he wears a red scarf, it is the noose he keeps around his neck. For surely he has tried either by accident or via his own accord, to hang himself on more than one occassion. This might come back to bite me but I have to test the waters.
2/19 A red scarf
Tired...running from one social gathering to another. I keep seeing Jeff everywhere. I am glad we still hang out though. Its enough for me right now. Ok who the hell is this turtleneck and scarf guy? Alicia and Jean had their parties this wknd.. both were great the photos are hilarious. Almost brought Jeff to Jeans but I am glad I didn't, turtleneck guy was there.. and he was wearing a red scarf... there is something to be said about him.. I have this feeling not sure about it, I think I will let it unravel.
2/15 Valentine for me
Odd thing.... perhaps I am mistaken... is the turtleneck guy for real or just a good talker.. for now I'm banking on the latter. I had to save this, it really caught my attention...
(2/14 8:25 pm): Happy Valentines Day
Me (2/14 8:28 pm): Am I on a mass distribution list here?
(2/14 8:32 pm) Hehhehe
Me (2/14 8:43 pm): I thought u were busy tonight?
2/14 8:46 pm): Had to cancel. Ihave a bad cold
Me (2/14 8:48 pm): Sorry to hear I hope she isn't disppointed. Hope u feel better
(2/14 8:50 pm): She? Thanks. Get any valentines from anyone? What u doing tom night?
Me (2/14 8:57 pm): Well it is valentines day. Tomorrow I don't have any plans.
(2/14 9:04 pm): So how many boys sent u flowers today?
Me (2/14 9:05 pm): Zero how many did u send?
(2/14 9:06 pm): Hahahha only about 8 or so
Me (2/14 9:07 pm): Oh that's it huh? I knew u were occupied
(2/14 9:10 pm): I hope u know I'm only joking, silly. As soon as I get better, we have 2 meet up! Did u watch the charlie brown valentine special 2 nite?
Me (2/14 9:13 pm): I'm only busting you. Yes we should have dinner. No I didn't see the Charlie Brown special but I checked my mailbox & ..no valentine:-(
(2/14 9:18 pm): Well ur adorable so the guys are just missing out 4 not being brave enough 2 send u anything :)
Me (2/14 9:24pm): WOW
was all I could say....
2/14 Observations
Today is that ridiculous holiday again. The most loathsome and offensive of all manufactured holidays is upon us. From Hallmark's Vomitorium of verse to Wal-Mart kitschy, cheap and cheery displays of cutesy wutsie stuffed animals, to the lavishly tied white ribbons around those robin egg blue Tiffany boxes (ok i have some ) that contain small trinkets of silver, gold, and diamonds that represent the depth of one's love in its most horrid form.
After running into Jeff yet again on the path, we part ways at the bus he takes and I walk to work in the cold and bitter air. I see the street vendors line their tables w/stuffed teddy bears. Their arms cradling a red polyester stuffed heart outlined w/ a white dolie that reads "Be Mine" on the front. Its the card store line that gets me.. wrapped around the isles, people wait in frustration to purchase a card that eithsummarizeszes how they feel about someone or one that sounds good enough to be called their feelings. I catch the wind on my face, close my eyes and exhale.. I am blessed, not just because I am lucky to see the difference but because I am so loved.
2/13 A Collision of Confirmations
Threw darts last night... I was on target, it must have been the weather. As I stood talking to some young boy about the girl he is madly in love w/ I realized that had burn spots on my back. Not from anything but someone's evil glare. I ask myself when will it end? As if two years of not getting what you want is not enough of an indication that you never will. I think of the words I pushed aside recenlty when a friend said the induction of the dog is a way to get to your heart. Sadly, for him and the dog, that will never happen. Not because I am protecting myself, but I simply don't have the capacity to enjoy his person. I see his manipulations and the plotting he does to gain what he wants and I am disgusted. I feel sorry for the dog.
This city is cold, the snow is coming and his kiss was just enough to put me on edge. After midnight, he came to win a game of darts w/ me. It was fun and it was geniune. Yet as we snuck out the back door into the snow covered streets and headed toward home, I couldn't help but think about the boy w/ the two-toned shoe laces, and turtleneck I left inside.
2/3 -2/6 Killington
Put 12 adults and some very un adult people in a house in Vermont for five days and strange things happen. This year's theme had something to do w/ the wild wild west. As if we needed to title ourselves. Out behavior wasn't enough explanation. I was able sleep in and stay up all night as though I were 24 again.. haa those were the times,.. and I so don't miss them.. It's funny though when you don't have to think or produce a result, being drunk at 4 in the afternoon until 4 am doesn't seem to impact you....until you get home and reality sets in.
I am fairly certain I drove up to Vermont on Friday aslegitimateate citizearmoredred by car insurance and a social security number and a few extra pair of underwear. Monday though driving home, I somehow had to reconcile myself to the fact that I have grown old. I came to the conclusion that the sauna and the jaguzzi soothe me (and in that order), I prefer wine over beer, and I am completely happy about sitting on a couch practicing karaoke instead of playing beer games. I am not into gossip, and I don't really feel all that hurt if people talk about me, but it bothers me to hear people talk about other people when they are not around. I realized that I don't love Jeff and not having him in my life while saddens me greatly.... is for the best. As creatures we are similar, but I couldn't love him like I want to love a man.
1/22 Ghosts
Spent the night in the city for Alan's bday.. It was ok until the ghost from the past showed up w/ nowhere to sleep...suddenly at 2am, I had some person I used to know and love for that matter confess that he should have married me years ago and is forever plagued by a sadness that won't go away. What am I suppose to say to this? I watch him pace back and forth has HE tells me that his girlfriend drinks too much. I laugh to myself and can only imagine their monthly payments to the liquor store. He stays w/ her because of the dog he says. He walks to the window and interupts himself w/ a comment about my apt window view. He is relaxed but that veil of anxiety hangs over him still. The lines on his face are deeper. His eyes are still that same green color, that catch the light and sparkle despite his anger. I give him a pillow and blanket and kiss his forehead good night. He tries to kiss me, we hug and at that moment I know that so much time as passed that it is almost as though we were once fused, passed through each other, and now stand back to back.. I can't relate to him anymore. In the morning I call him a cab and send him home to his dog. Funny thing, I'm not even sad, more disappointed.
1/21 lifeless
There is the humming of the refrigerator, and the whirling sound of the wind outside. I am sitting on my bed, starring out the window, eight stories up, watching the lights of the city flicker and dance in the cold crisp air. The orange lights illuminate the clouds looming up high above the city buildings, they are wispy and frail. They move across the sky like icing on a birthday cake. Once again I am tired. My eyes ache and my back feels so tense and twisted. Judy is in the living room, talking to anyone who will listen. Sometimes she rattles on over and over about the most mundane event. At those moments, it is clear to me that she is afraid to be alone. Fearful of what might happen if she doesn't turn on the TV or speak out loud. She tells me how Heather spilled a drink on her new 200$ jeans as if I weren't there to witness the catastrophe. Or as if I needed to relive every detail of this poetic display of Heather's clumsiness. "Andy was rude to the bouncer at The Madison", she says in a high pitched voice. "He was", I say back. I heard this story three times already, but I go along w/ it, just because I don't have the energy to tell her otherwise. "Yes, when we were there on Thursday for the customer Christmas party, he was bulling the door guy so he could get in in front of others." The guy told him, "You never come here all year dude, why should I let you in now?" "Really?", I shout back, as the wind whips and rattles the windows. Somehow the conversation ends, and I wonder if I should have the rest of the wine I opened last night. It's only 5 PM on Saturday. I woke up at noon, and the sun has already sunk in the sky. I could go to the gym instead of having the wine, but that makes me tired just thinking about it. I fall back onto my pillow, close my eyes and wish I were asleep.
1.10.2006
The orange lights lit up my room like a firey sun. The clock reads 2:06 am and I am so tired, that I am wide awake. My neck hurts from lying on too many pillows and the same thoughts roll over in my head. Five hours is enough sleep, I can still function on that. I might even be able to sneak an extra hour in if I am lucky.
The same previews roll over in my mind in a continuous circle of the doubts and suspicious fears that presently occupy my every mortal thought. I want to be a better person. I want to know that if something horrible were to happen to me tomorrow that I would have lived a good life and that it would have been enough for me.
***********************************
The same previews roll over in my mind in a continuous circle of the doubts and suspicious fears that presently occupy my every mortal thought. I want to be a better person. I want to know that if something horrible were to happen to me tomorrow that I would have lived a good life and that it would have been enough for me.
***********************************
1.09.2006
The things we say under the influence
The things we say....
"Your name is Shah? Like the Shah of Iran?" -Judy
"I didn't say you were fat I said you look chunk chunk" - Dawn
"Every guy has paid for s*x at one time or another and if they say otherwise they are lying" -Mike
"I called him he's mine" -Alicia
"I saw everything Heather has got" -Mike
"Rich is not loyal but does look like a dog" -Danny
"It's apparent you find me attractive, but there is nothing I can do to help you out of the problems you've got right now" -Dawn
"Please send this sandwich down the bar to the fat guy" - Heather
"We had a good thing going until you went crazy" .......
1.06.2006
1.05.2006
shaken, not stirred
clearly I am making a bigger deal out of this than necessary but I really need to unhook myself from this thing I'm all hung up on...
I know things.
I know that the sky is blue due to Rayleigh scattering
I know that the force of gravity keeps me planted on the ground to and from work each day, and keeps me snuggled in my bed at night.
I know that numbers don't lie
I know that sometimes you can be one size jeans one week and a different size the next.
I know that in his own way he cares about me but not like I care about him
I know that I prefer blue ink over black
I know that I drink to much
I know that I like ice hockey better than football games but watch the former more than the latter
I know that once a year the earth revoles around the sun
I know that I scared to death to open up to someone in fear that I will have my heart broken again.
I know things.
I know that the sky is blue due to Rayleigh scattering
I know that the force of gravity keeps me planted on the ground to and from work each day, and keeps me snuggled in my bed at night.
I know that numbers don't lie
I know that sometimes you can be one size jeans one week and a different size the next.
I know that in his own way he cares about me but not like I care about him
I know that I prefer blue ink over black
I know that I drink to much
I know that I like ice hockey better than football games but watch the former more than the latter
I know that once a year the earth revoles around the sun
I know that I scared to death to open up to someone in fear that I will have my heart broken again.
1.03.2006
New Year's Eve 2005
Ah yes, new year's eve... the night is surrounded by expectations, high hopes, and lots of liquor. Yes, that is a smile on my face, although I am certain it was my best act yet, despite my poor attitude, it was a fun night spent with good friends!************************************************************************************
Jan 2006 a new year is in front of me yet again. New thoughts of new ways to go about living.. and while I sit and contemplate what I am going to do, I do what I was doing on Dec 31. The same faces, the same places, those are ok.. but I can't help but wonder if there is something someone, I am miss that I might have seen before but simply didn't notice.
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