Someone Wrote this.....
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
OH MY GOD, I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!
GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS
A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER
I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN!
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES
And last but not least:
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
well the last one is funny, and the one about doing it right the first time. ha. otherwise, what the hell is this thing. I got it in an email amoung other numerous tidbits of information about sex, and men, and you know what, who cares......
bring on the booze
2.26.2003
A most spectacular article on Nick Cave and the new album. ok so I might be slightly bias, but it's for your own good.
Today has me down. I am flooded w/ memories and thoughts that drag me back to a place I have yet to escape from. I was sort of hoping that time woudl continue to tick by and I would outgrow my memories. That is not the problem though. This waterway runs much deeper than I thought.
I am liking this new pc however. the keyboard and I get along rather well. my small finger tips fit neatly in the concave keypad, there is hardly any noise except for an occassional backspace to rid my mistake from the screen, otherwise I am ok with this.
Peeking on the wall street front this afternoon has me worried. How will I buy a house when the money I have is tied up in the shitter? Hello! lets get this market going people!!
Today has me down. I am flooded w/ memories and thoughts that drag me back to a place I have yet to escape from. I was sort of hoping that time woudl continue to tick by and I would outgrow my memories. That is not the problem though. This waterway runs much deeper than I thought.
I am liking this new pc however. the keyboard and I get along rather well. my small finger tips fit neatly in the concave keypad, there is hardly any noise except for an occassional backspace to rid my mistake from the screen, otherwise I am ok with this.
Peeking on the wall street front this afternoon has me worried. How will I buy a house when the money I have is tied up in the shitter? Hello! lets get this market going people!!
2.23.2003
2.22.2003
Raccoons and Trash Talk
Heading out to the raccoon lodge tonight. nor rain nor fog will keep the festivites from occuring. I only wonder if those at the raccoon lodge have any idea how many people they will be serving for this evenings event. Nonetheless, it's an opportunity to get out of town, meet new people, and spend time w/ friends. After all it is Ryan's birthday. Nat and Pt came down for the event and it's always great hanging with them. Follow up to come later........
Heading out to the raccoon lodge tonight. nor rain nor fog will keep the festivites from occuring. I only wonder if those at the raccoon lodge have any idea how many people they will be serving for this evenings event. Nonetheless, it's an opportunity to get out of town, meet new people, and spend time w/ friends. After all it is Ryan's birthday. Nat and Pt came down for the event and it's always great hanging with them. Follow up to come later........
2.20.2003
I have tried to come to some sort of middle ground here. The bottom line is that I simply can't stand her. She drives me crazy. I don't hate her, as that would require much too much of my energy, she simply irritates the hell out of me. It is like someone turned her inside out and stripped her of all graces and threw her out to pasture. She is wreck. I know it's not just me, everyone calls her the high-pressure system, which really is funny when you think about it. She is a tornado. As my manager why do I have to remind her to do anything? Hell it doesn't even matter at this point, I have them by the neck now, if i leave they are in deep shit, that is my in for a raise in the mean time.
Secondly I can not believe that asshole goes and tells B that I put my phone number in his fly and that he made out with Gina as well. Right. Too bad that is not true that would have been funny. Gross but funny on both parts. I don’t even think I gave him my phone number.... I may have but that is besides the point I don't really see him as my type. Don’t get me wrong he is a good-looking guy but I am not entirely certain that anyone is home upstairs.
IN other words, A cute face is sexy, but a great mind is sexier.
Speaking of which, I dreamt of him last night, it was like a deja vu sort of dream, it mirrored those days when I would get in the car and drive to him in some god forsaken place, where we would drink bad beer and walk the streets at night and then fuck till dawn. I would lay wrapped in his arms with that tan blanket twirled around us. The black sheets were stained and we didn't care, we were in love. We would stay in bed all day and have a great bout of sex, eat something and then go to the bar and do it all over again. I loved the night we fucked in the ally way, he placed me up above him with my back to the hard cold stone walls, and had me right there. He was always so hard for me, and I could feel all the juices burning in my belly. God that was good. He was good.
Secondly I can not believe that asshole goes and tells B that I put my phone number in his fly and that he made out with Gina as well. Right. Too bad that is not true that would have been funny. Gross but funny on both parts. I don’t even think I gave him my phone number.... I may have but that is besides the point I don't really see him as my type. Don’t get me wrong he is a good-looking guy but I am not entirely certain that anyone is home upstairs.
IN other words, A cute face is sexy, but a great mind is sexier.
Speaking of which, I dreamt of him last night, it was like a deja vu sort of dream, it mirrored those days when I would get in the car and drive to him in some god forsaken place, where we would drink bad beer and walk the streets at night and then fuck till dawn. I would lay wrapped in his arms with that tan blanket twirled around us. The black sheets were stained and we didn't care, we were in love. We would stay in bed all day and have a great bout of sex, eat something and then go to the bar and do it all over again. I loved the night we fucked in the ally way, he placed me up above him with my back to the hard cold stone walls, and had me right there. He was always so hard for me, and I could feel all the juices burning in my belly. God that was good. He was good.
2.19.2003
2.17.2003
2.16.2003
Steam heat and Bitter cold wind....
A night spent on the infamous frying pan, You would have to see it to believe it. There we stood drinking vodka and cranberry and anything bottled amongst the hulls of weathered steel, cast iron, and corroded cables of electrical wire. The steam from the old heater mixed in the air with cigarrette smoke as the ship rocked side to side in the wake of the NY waterway ferries. Clearly this was the reason why tetanus shots were created.
The wind whipped outside the portholes, a reminder that the temperature beyond the cast iron was so frigid that a witch would cringe with pain. There were strung lines of lights in addition to the bare bulbs that lit the vessel. It was hard to see, anything, which may have been for the better. A randomly thrown sofa chair looked so out of place next to the anchor room that stood austere but empty due to its lack of steam heater. I wandered around the enormous anchor and imagined the noise this machine made at its most active. The cast iron was so cold and lifeless as I ran my hand along side the rounded edges it was hard to imagine all the time that had passed since it's inception, and here it sat, lifeless. A pile of rope lay in the corner next to the sofa chair; I could not help but realize that it had to be some vermin’s home.
The bathrooms while equipped with stalls and a sink, failed to function after three hours. I was relieved however by the dimly lit exit sign at the stern of the boat which immediately put me at ease when certainly I was self medicated by the overwhelming feeling of being trapped in a low ceiling maze of narrow hallways with exposed wires, low lit rooms and heavy steel doors with rusty locks. The fact that a car ride, ferry trip across the Hudson and a ride in a cab didn't make me feel trapped enough. On the lighter side, if I had to get out I could, and lord knows there was plenty of options for my planned escape once beyond the deck and docks. If only I could see the doorway.
Instead I giggled to myself as the dj, while I owe him a drink, despite my pleas to make him stop, played the most dreadful music. I was forced once again to watch Alan slither around the vessel like an eel, trying to gain anyones attention. While a part of smiles when I see him, it is not like I can really deal with him on a serious level, it's all fun and games. I interupt him when he is talking to other women and make like I am heartbroken by his betrayal, I see it mostly as a good deed to a fellow lady. Certiainly I think to myself that they can't be serious about stroking his ego. J on the other hand, I find rather intriguing, since the first time I met him in October, while his face, as well as mine, were covered in halloween makeup, it was ok that our eyes were glued to each other. I was in no postion at that time to pursue my interest in him, as my devotion was first and foremost in my mind. Nowadays, that is not the case and while it might have been ok to see where my self persuasion led me, I couldn't help but feel like it was too much work on my part. Effort that I simply don't have the energy for.
So all in all, the frying pan was fun, dirty in many aspects but fun. I decided that the list of emails and phone numbers I collected could make for a nice collage in my newly acquired sketchbook and while I would not want to jeaprodize the privacy of anyone, I might be able to actually hide the identies of those whose real names may have been relieved...
A night spent on the infamous frying pan, You would have to see it to believe it. There we stood drinking vodka and cranberry and anything bottled amongst the hulls of weathered steel, cast iron, and corroded cables of electrical wire. The steam from the old heater mixed in the air with cigarrette smoke as the ship rocked side to side in the wake of the NY waterway ferries. Clearly this was the reason why tetanus shots were created.
The wind whipped outside the portholes, a reminder that the temperature beyond the cast iron was so frigid that a witch would cringe with pain. There were strung lines of lights in addition to the bare bulbs that lit the vessel. It was hard to see, anything, which may have been for the better. A randomly thrown sofa chair looked so out of place next to the anchor room that stood austere but empty due to its lack of steam heater. I wandered around the enormous anchor and imagined the noise this machine made at its most active. The cast iron was so cold and lifeless as I ran my hand along side the rounded edges it was hard to imagine all the time that had passed since it's inception, and here it sat, lifeless. A pile of rope lay in the corner next to the sofa chair; I could not help but realize that it had to be some vermin’s home.
The bathrooms while equipped with stalls and a sink, failed to function after three hours. I was relieved however by the dimly lit exit sign at the stern of the boat which immediately put me at ease when certainly I was self medicated by the overwhelming feeling of being trapped in a low ceiling maze of narrow hallways with exposed wires, low lit rooms and heavy steel doors with rusty locks. The fact that a car ride, ferry trip across the Hudson and a ride in a cab didn't make me feel trapped enough. On the lighter side, if I had to get out I could, and lord knows there was plenty of options for my planned escape once beyond the deck and docks. If only I could see the doorway.
Instead I giggled to myself as the dj, while I owe him a drink, despite my pleas to make him stop, played the most dreadful music. I was forced once again to watch Alan slither around the vessel like an eel, trying to gain anyones attention. While a part of smiles when I see him, it is not like I can really deal with him on a serious level, it's all fun and games. I interupt him when he is talking to other women and make like I am heartbroken by his betrayal, I see it mostly as a good deed to a fellow lady. Certiainly I think to myself that they can't be serious about stroking his ego. J on the other hand, I find rather intriguing, since the first time I met him in October, while his face, as well as mine, were covered in halloween makeup, it was ok that our eyes were glued to each other. I was in no postion at that time to pursue my interest in him, as my devotion was first and foremost in my mind. Nowadays, that is not the case and while it might have been ok to see where my self persuasion led me, I couldn't help but feel like it was too much work on my part. Effort that I simply don't have the energy for.
So all in all, the frying pan was fun, dirty in many aspects but fun. I decided that the list of emails and phone numbers I collected could make for a nice collage in my newly acquired sketchbook and while I would not want to jeaprodize the privacy of anyone, I might be able to actually hide the identies of those whose real names may have been relieved...
2.13.2003
I found this quote interesting........ "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." said by none other than....Sharon Stone? humm. shit. that really minimizes my chances of meeting someone decent. someone fucking faked a whole relationship with Sharon Stone? fabulous, that leaves me in an odd spot.
On that note:
The most loathsome and offensive of all manufactured holidays is nearly upon us. From Hallmark's Vomitorium of verse to Wal-Mart’s kitschy, cheap and cheery displays of cutesy wutsie stuffed animals, to the lavishly tied white ribbons around those robin egg blue Tiffany’s boxes that contain small trinkets of silver, gold, and diamonds that represent the depth of one's love in it’s most horrid form.
On that note:
The most loathsome and offensive of all manufactured holidays is nearly upon us. From Hallmark's Vomitorium of verse to Wal-Mart’s kitschy, cheap and cheery displays of cutesy wutsie stuffed animals, to the lavishly tied white ribbons around those robin egg blue Tiffany’s boxes that contain small trinkets of silver, gold, and diamonds that represent the depth of one's love in it’s most horrid form.
confessions
so this country has it's share of problems and all I can think about is the bs lines i have been fed by a person i thought i knew for the last three years of my life. the funniest part of all is that he says we didn't get along. sure we had disagreements, who doesn't? he is so sensitive that to him, they were monumental arguments. I tend to look at things in a very easy going way, the things we disagreed about were silly, i like the window open a little crack when i slept (exept when it's -10 outside...), he prefers it closed, i didn't like the smell of a smoky bathroom, he enjoyed it, he hates coffee, i enjoy my morning cup. of course there was the issue of him wanting to be with his friends, a lot, but i backed off toward the end, i stopped calling him, because i knew he was going through something, something that he has to work out for himself. really i suppose he can't get out of his own way...
i got the worst part of it though, i got to be labled the naggy girlfriend. at my age, that is the one thing i always thought i had managed not to become. you want to go to those girly bars, go ahead. you want to drink kegs of beer w/ your buds till five am, fine with me. you want to pack up and drive across the country in a freaking truck, with a fuckin blond ding bat, you can do that too. why? because i love him. all of him the good and the bad.
so underneath it all, we did get along, I mean we both related to and held the same set values and ethics. the foundations that shaped me, i knew he could respect and relate to, and i for him.
we were very separate but together we just fit like one.
So if i may opine, i think we did get along, he just reached a point when he didn't want to get along with me anymore.
so this country has it's share of problems and all I can think about is the bs lines i have been fed by a person i thought i knew for the last three years of my life. the funniest part of all is that he says we didn't get along. sure we had disagreements, who doesn't? he is so sensitive that to him, they were monumental arguments. I tend to look at things in a very easy going way, the things we disagreed about were silly, i like the window open a little crack when i slept (exept when it's -10 outside...), he prefers it closed, i didn't like the smell of a smoky bathroom, he enjoyed it, he hates coffee, i enjoy my morning cup. of course there was the issue of him wanting to be with his friends, a lot, but i backed off toward the end, i stopped calling him, because i knew he was going through something, something that he has to work out for himself. really i suppose he can't get out of his own way...
i got the worst part of it though, i got to be labled the naggy girlfriend. at my age, that is the one thing i always thought i had managed not to become. you want to go to those girly bars, go ahead. you want to drink kegs of beer w/ your buds till five am, fine with me. you want to pack up and drive across the country in a freaking truck, with a fuckin blond ding bat, you can do that too. why? because i love him. all of him the good and the bad.
so underneath it all, we did get along, I mean we both related to and held the same set values and ethics. the foundations that shaped me, i knew he could respect and relate to, and i for him.
we were very separate but together we just fit like one.
So if i may opine, i think we did get along, he just reached a point when he didn't want to get along with me anymore.
2.12.2003
Done Deals
Wrote an apology yesterday taking responsibility for my behavior despite my not being the only one involved in the situation. Sure what the hell we kissed, it wasn’t such a bad thing, it was nice actually, but it is the principle of the matter that makes me upset. My sister talked me into forgiving myself, but it still does not excuse the fact that it happened. What is wrong with me? In addition, what is with him? B told me that he does not like me, hmm. Asking me to kiss him as he did one might think the contrary. It really doesn’t matter anyhow. I know his kind and he really is not my type. The bottom line is that I know my actions hurt someone’s feelings despite their admitting to that or not. I didn’t do it to hurt anyone, in reality I only hurt myself well makes me even more ridiculous than I already am or am about to become
Wrote an apology yesterday taking responsibility for my behavior despite my not being the only one involved in the situation. Sure what the hell we kissed, it wasn’t such a bad thing, it was nice actually, but it is the principle of the matter that makes me upset. My sister talked me into forgiving myself, but it still does not excuse the fact that it happened. What is wrong with me? In addition, what is with him? B told me that he does not like me, hmm. Asking me to kiss him as he did one might think the contrary. It really doesn’t matter anyhow. I know his kind and he really is not my type. The bottom line is that I know my actions hurt someone’s feelings despite their admitting to that or not. I didn’t do it to hurt anyone, in reality I only hurt myself well makes me even more ridiculous than I already am or am about to become
"You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad." -Aldous Huxley
here comes the kingpin. her beady little down syndrome eyes and the round middle she carries with her as she shuffles her feet across the dirty rug. that southern draw that comes out of her mouth is so stretched out one could wrap it around her neck.
conversations
thank god for this little space i call home....
I saw him walk over to me while I stood there at the water cooler of all places, and as he asked me how i was, i could feel that jolt of emotions rip through my chest again. it seems that for the most part, i am breathing while that is not the problem, I do what i want but i can't believe how he can lie like he does. he stood there for about thirty seconds and when i finally answered him, with an okay, he said he was glad because i deserved better. yeah your right i said, but that still means i won't go out with you i told him. he laughed, and said com'on.... I giggled and smiled, picked up my water and walked away.
here comes the kingpin. her beady little down syndrome eyes and the round middle she carries with her as she shuffles her feet across the dirty rug. that southern draw that comes out of her mouth is so stretched out one could wrap it around her neck.
conversations
thank god for this little space i call home....
I saw him walk over to me while I stood there at the water cooler of all places, and as he asked me how i was, i could feel that jolt of emotions rip through my chest again. it seems that for the most part, i am breathing while that is not the problem, I do what i want but i can't believe how he can lie like he does. he stood there for about thirty seconds and when i finally answered him, with an okay, he said he was glad because i deserved better. yeah your right i said, but that still means i won't go out with you i told him. he laughed, and said com'on.... I giggled and smiled, picked up my water and walked away.
2.11.2003
well that is about it. i knew this would happen. after all this time, i finally go out for some fun, sure listen to your friends, let loose,have a little fun. and what happens? the most ridiculous thing fathimable. sure it was a wine party and people drank well lots of wine. there was lots of wine, i smuggled in four bottles of some premo stuff that we picked up on the way, threw down the purse and coat and grabbed a glass. drink away...i hid the premo stuff behind the cookie jar, i managed to finish that off with a little help from a friend, and before long it was after midnight. Off to McSwiggans, thank goodness it was only right down the street, certainly i was in no condition to be driving.
McSwiggans was smoky and when I entered through the doorway the haze that for the last four hours I had managed to shed, wrapped itself around me again. certainly whomever, who ever said no matter where you go there are was right. I carry with me the pain and saddness of a widow nowadays.
McSwiggans was smoky and when I entered through the doorway the haze that for the last four hours I had managed to shed, wrapped itself around me again. certainly whomever, who ever said no matter where you go there are was right. I carry with me the pain and saddness of a widow nowadays.
I think about him and how he said that we were holding each other back with these images of us as teenagers. but I didn't feel that way. I knew that the past shaped who we were but it was the future that motivated me to love him even more. because it was our future that i strove for. whenever i think of myself in years to come, i pictured him by my side and when i hear him tell me that he wants to be friends my chest hurts. all that i have ever dreamt about or for in my whole life included him.
all that is nothing but a fading light that i used to hold to the highest standard only now
i can't picture myself any other way but with him by my side. which leaves me pretty empty handed and well alone
all that is nothing but a fading light that i used to hold to the highest standard only now
i can't picture myself any other way but with him by my side. which leaves me pretty empty handed and well alone
2.10.2003
The butcher spoke:
"I am starting to think the only reason we are tortured is because we stayed together for so long. We were holding each other back with these images we had of ourselves as teenagers. I can be much different than that now, I need to move on. It may be difficult, but it is for the best, I hope you realize that."
and Nick Cave sang....... (I'll Love You) Till the End of the World - UTEOTW / Music for the End of the World
"I am starting to think the only reason we are tortured is because we stayed together for so long. We were holding each other back with these images we had of ourselves as teenagers. I can be much different than that now, I need to move on. It may be difficult, but it is for the best, I hope you realize that."
and Nick Cave sang....... (I'll Love You) Till the End of the World - UTEOTW / Music for the End of the World
The butcher and the train wreck
god to only get the real deal. the one that makes you all funny inside, the sloppy joe's of deals. The bit about the lay of the land and the other crap, this is all so boring. I am so bored. I am so unnatural. I sit here and it is like a whole entire day of minutes wasted away. the snow falls outside and the sound of the keys on the keyboard as my fingers hit them remind me of daggers.
If only she had some class, a slight bit of grace, the kind that upon your hair falling in your face enables you to ever so gently move it from your incoming fork filled with food. The sort of grace that allows you to refrain from putting your fingers in your mouth when that stubborn piece of chicken has perstistanly found it's way between your back molers. The sort of grace that brightens from within, it shines in the way you hold your hands while waiting for the elevator, it glows around your when your running for the train. It gives you patience when the traffic is a line as long as the one to heaven and the noise from the world is overbearing
god to only get the real deal. the one that makes you all funny inside, the sloppy joe's of deals. The bit about the lay of the land and the other crap, this is all so boring. I am so bored. I am so unnatural. I sit here and it is like a whole entire day of minutes wasted away. the snow falls outside and the sound of the keys on the keyboard as my fingers hit them remind me of daggers.
If only she had some class, a slight bit of grace, the kind that upon your hair falling in your face enables you to ever so gently move it from your incoming fork filled with food. The sort of grace that allows you to refrain from putting your fingers in your mouth when that stubborn piece of chicken has perstistanly found it's way between your back molers. The sort of grace that brightens from within, it shines in the way you hold your hands while waiting for the elevator, it glows around your when your running for the train. It gives you patience when the traffic is a line as long as the one to heaven and the noise from the world is overbearing
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